How to guarantee you will get bad service over the phone

Here are a few tips on how to guarantee you will get bad service over the phone.

1. When you call, make sure you are doing something else at the same time and then ask the person you just called to hold on so you can finish whatever it is you were doing.
2. Be really vague on what it is you really want or what problem you are having. Get mad when the person’s psychic powers don’ t activate and figure it out so you don’t have to explain.
3.  Demand that someone needs to come out immediately, but that you don’t want to pay extra for it, and that the price is inflated to begin with.
4. Yell very loudly into the phone. Don’t listen to what the person on the end of the line is saying. Actually, pretend they aren’t a real person. That should make it easier to scream at them.  Fake people don’t deserve respect!
5. Whine about your problems which have nothing to do with the service you are requesting, and are often very disturbing . Like how “I have to go to the doctor and then the pharmacy but every time I go to the pharmacy I have to wait for so long JUST TO TALK TO SOMEONE because they are just so understaffed! And then there is the issue of my colonoscopy … have you had one? Well let me tell you something about colonoscopies. They aren’t a walk in the park nosireebob! You see…”
6. Use curse words. The more like a sailor, the better.
7. Insinuate the person you are talking to is stupid.  Or incompetent.  Or moronic. Or dumber than a box of rocks. Or whatever your choice insult may be.
8. Even though your wife makes all the decisions and knows what is going on with your schedule, make sure you call and then have her scream instructions in the background. Make sure she does this while the person on the line is asking questions so that you become confused and unable to answer either one. “FRANK I SAID FRIDAY! NOT THURSDAY! THURSDAY IS THE DAY I GO TO THE PHARMACY!”
9. Call 4 months after the service was performed and demand that someone come out free of charge. Make sure you mention that “well, actually it hasn’t worked since he was out here, but you know what? Life has been crazy lately! You try having your mother move in with you!” See how I worked a number 5 in there? Smooth.

Hope that helps you in your quest for bad service!

-P.Magpie
Customer Service Expert
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