Archive for September, 2009

Quote of the Day:

“The Dirty could be considered a very, very compelling commentary on the modern, me-obsessed culture and the blurred line between old-school fame-for-a-reason and new-school fame-for-fame’s-sake. Or it could just be a website making money off being really, really mean toward completely innocent strangers.”

11 points.com

Accurately describes my feelings on The Dirty.

Life Update: 9-17-09

Quote of the week: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Gandhi (via http://tinybuddha.com)

If I had to pick a theme for the past week it would be forgiveness. Or maybe letting go. I like that quote because it highlights the fact that forgiveness/letting go is not easy. It is a really difficult process.  It requires patience and time and a lot of self analyzing.

Other than that, life is good! We are so busy, like always. It’s my own doing though. We have something scheduled every weekend until October 24th!  I may get stressed about it every once in a while, but I truly love keeping busy.

This weekend we are having a big party. For the first time ever we have no theme for the party. In fact, the name of the party is “The First Ever No-Theme party”.  Our friends’ band Boomjuice will be filming the party to use in their upcoming music video. I’m pretty excited about it! I’m hoping to memorialize my sweet dance moves forever on film.

Aaron and I have been having lots of deep meaningfuly talks lately. I’m so thankful to be with him every day! He is the only person I’ve ever known who understands me so well.  We have our bumps in the road but I feel like we are finally to a point where we are able to work through anything. We are finally on the same path, at the same speed, holding hands, and maybe skipping a little? More on this later!

Alright, that’s all I have for now! Have a happy weekend!

-P.Maggs

Party Animal

8 years ago.

Today is the eight anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks.  I look back and remember a terrible dark time. Not only for our country, but for myself as well.

This morning on WGN they replayed audio from that morning.  Starting from the initial reports of a  plane crash  into  one of the towers. Ending with the moment when we all realized it wasn’t an accident.  It was painful to listen to again, I started tearing up.  It emotionally impacted me.

I remember when it happened it seemed so unreal. I was driving to the community college I was attending at the time. I listened on the radio as the first tower fell. Then the second.

The strange thing was I remember having a  hard time feeling strongly about it. Let me be clear, I thought it was horrible. Terrible. I couldn’t believe something like that could ever happen here. The same thing everyone else thought. But emotionally I felt detached. I just couldn’t seem to connect with the pain of it, like I did today. I never cried. I never teared up. I tried, but I couldn’t.

I think at the time I had an eternal war going on. There was so much unreal pain in my life. External pain was incomprehensible. It felt even more unreal. For starters, I had lost a best friend to a sudden car crash 4 months before. That still seemed unreal,  on a daily basis. I was still at the point where I would “see” her everywhere, still not accepting the truth completely.

Secondly, and most importantly, I was 2 years into a very terrible relationship. A verbally abusive and controlling relationship. Every day was tainted by some sort of terrible experience. By that point I wasn’t allowed to have my own feelings. My feelings didn’t matter, didn’t count. I was convinced all my feelings were wrong. I doubted everything about myself. I was told I was dumb, fat, a whore, a bitch, lazy, stupid, worthless, ugly, and things worse than that. And the sad part is that I believed every word. Because since he loved me, he wouldn’t say those things if there wasn’t at least an ounce of truth to them, right? I was letting him define my reality.

He didn’t love me, but he needed me.  I mistook that for love. And you help the ones you love, right? But it was more than that. He needed me to fix his problems. To give him money or bail him out or handle things  or problem solve his life.  The biggest problem was he never helped me back. It was all my responsibility.  I know now that he probably hated and doubted himself so much that the thought of existing without me helping him was worse that having to treat me like shit to keep me doubting myself.  So I wouldn’t leave. And I know he desperately wanted me to stay.  During the handful of times I broke up with him, he would literally cry and sob and throw himself on the floor. Those of you that knew him probably find it hard to believe. Not many people knew that’s what he was really like. Unsure, desperate, and filled with self-hate.

It’s really sad,  sometimes I wish I had been smart enough and ended the relationship early on and encouraged him to get therapy. Because he did and probably (I’m assuming) still does need help. No one deserves to hate themselves that much.

It took me 4 and a half years to end it. And honestly, the fact that he moved two states away to be with family (with the promise  he would come back to me) was the only reason it ended so quickly. I was finally able to breath, to learn to trust my feelings. I found this book, which explained everything to me. I began to realize the truth, and I ended it.

It has taken years to heal. I still don’t feel 100% sometimes.  But it has taught me a lot. I’ve learned so much about people who feel the need to control.  I can spot this type of behaviour from a mile away.  But I also have compassion for it. I’ve moved beyond vilifying people like this. They operate from a place of  self-hate and avoidance of feelings.

My life is so different today, 8 years later. I am happy and content and have someone in my life that loves and respects me.  I have set boundaries and will speak up if they are crossed by anyone.  I promise you , it is possible to have the life you want, no matter where you are starting from.

Please say a prayer for those who lost loved ones 8 years ago. Say a prayer for those that risk their lives everyday trying to save ours. Thank your firepeople, policepeople, and soldiers.

And if you feel like you might be in a verbally abusive relationship (romantic or otherwise) please read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. This book changed my life.

Or for online support please check out  http://drirene.com/

Please be aware, a lot of people involved in verbally abusive relationships are codependent. Read this list, and ask, does this apply to me? http://drirene.com/codepend1.htm

Love,

P. Magpie

Quote of the Day:

“Anyone who thinks mice lay eggs should not be trusted in determining a comfortable temperature.”

-Me, via my twitter,  about a coworker.