Archive for the ‘Personally P.Mag’ Category

Bad at All the Things

Well here I am. Back. After a long break. Like always.

It’s times like these I can either say to myself “I AM BAD AT ALL THE THINGS!”, or just pick it back up.

So here goes!

Things I am looking forward to.

Here is a list of things I am currently looking forward to:

1.My birthday.

My birthday is a little over a month away. Which means its time to start celebrating. It is a written rule that I get to celebrate the month leading up to AND the month after. Where is this written you ask? Well on a piece of paper I found on the floor. So there!

2. Warm(er) Weather

Today on the radio I heard “Do You Feel Like We Do” on the radio. It reminded me of summer and of being 16 and drunk and under the influence of the weed and sitting in a friends driveway. I feel like I need to host  a driveway party this summer. Although last summer we had a roof party, and we sat and drank up there while watching Allie run through the cornfield.  As anyone who has ever ran from the cops through a cornfield can tell you, that shit cuts you up. Allie didn’t believe me at the time, but uh, the cuts all over her body the next day kinda changed her stance  on that one.

I also need to work on my plan to convince AK we need a pool. I’m not asking for anything huge, just a $300 one from Walmart. All I need is that and a blender and I’m good for the summer.

3. Warmer Mornings

I’m hoping to get back in the running habit again. Its already hard enough to coax myself out of bed at 5:45 in the morning without adding snow to the mix.  My not quite awake/lazy self takes every opportunity to convince the responsible self that going outside is a bad idea. “No, look, its snowing! We can’t run in that! Are you crazy! Cars will hit us! Slide out of control! CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!”. Even if its not snowing my lazy self will be all like “It LOOKS cold outside. We shouldn’t go! CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!”.  Lazy self you are about to get a wakeup call. Well at least until you start up with the “but its so MUGGY! We can’t run in MUGGY! CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!”.

4.  St. Patricks Day

I will not be going out for St. Patty’s. See ’cause I’m old and shit. I mean, if it was on a weekend I’d be all in. But a Thursday? No thanks.  I AM however looking forward to wearing green and green eyeshadow and green bouncy headband thingies. You know me I can’t pass up an opportunity to dress up.

5. April

I am excited for April because besides my birthday weekend, we have nothing really big planned. All the weekends are open. However I DO know that within the next 2-3 weeks the entire month will be full, I’m trying to savor the openness now. Living in the moment, maybe? How very zen.

6. Makeup School

I’m attending a makeup school in April to become a “certified” makeup artist.  For one week.  I’m hoping to learn a lot, but also it will look good to future clients that I went to school.  I’m both anxious and excited about it at the same time. I described the feeling to one friend like this: “…I’m going to start crying and falling over but laughing at the same time and maybe poop my pants.”

With love,

Princess  “Poop My Pants” Magpie

Confession: I have a problem.

I have this huge problem. Every year at this time. February to March is a very hard time in my life. And its all due to one evil, evil thing.

GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

I just can’t stop!

So, so sad.

Keith, Shannon, Val, Tyler, Me, AK, Janelle

This is one of my favourite pictures from our 2010 Goth Party. The night was filled with crying, sadness, depression, and more crying.

But seriously, it was a great party. Lots of awesome outfits, lots of dancing, lots of great goth music from all genres.

Also I’m excited to incorporate the elements of my outfit into my wardrobe. The underbust corset I got from Lip Service is really awesome!

The best thing that came out of the party is my mohawk.  I’m totally in love with it. I’m still figuring out exactly how to style it. For the party I just spiked it up, but for everyday use I’m trying for something less severe. It’s a work in process.

I’ll be uploading more party pics to my flickr soon if you want to check them out!

❤ P.Magpie

8 years ago.

Today is the eight anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks.  I look back and remember a terrible dark time. Not only for our country, but for myself as well.

This morning on WGN they replayed audio from that morning.  Starting from the initial reports of a  plane crash  into  one of the towers. Ending with the moment when we all realized it wasn’t an accident.  It was painful to listen to again, I started tearing up.  It emotionally impacted me.

I remember when it happened it seemed so unreal. I was driving to the community college I was attending at the time. I listened on the radio as the first tower fell. Then the second.

The strange thing was I remember having a  hard time feeling strongly about it. Let me be clear, I thought it was horrible. Terrible. I couldn’t believe something like that could ever happen here. The same thing everyone else thought. But emotionally I felt detached. I just couldn’t seem to connect with the pain of it, like I did today. I never cried. I never teared up. I tried, but I couldn’t.

I think at the time I had an eternal war going on. There was so much unreal pain in my life. External pain was incomprehensible. It felt even more unreal. For starters, I had lost a best friend to a sudden car crash 4 months before. That still seemed unreal,  on a daily basis. I was still at the point where I would “see” her everywhere, still not accepting the truth completely.

Secondly, and most importantly, I was 2 years into a very terrible relationship. A verbally abusive and controlling relationship. Every day was tainted by some sort of terrible experience. By that point I wasn’t allowed to have my own feelings. My feelings didn’t matter, didn’t count. I was convinced all my feelings were wrong. I doubted everything about myself. I was told I was dumb, fat, a whore, a bitch, lazy, stupid, worthless, ugly, and things worse than that. And the sad part is that I believed every word. Because since he loved me, he wouldn’t say those things if there wasn’t at least an ounce of truth to them, right? I was letting him define my reality.

He didn’t love me, but he needed me.  I mistook that for love. And you help the ones you love, right? But it was more than that. He needed me to fix his problems. To give him money or bail him out or handle things  or problem solve his life.  The biggest problem was he never helped me back. It was all my responsibility.  I know now that he probably hated and doubted himself so much that the thought of existing without me helping him was worse that having to treat me like shit to keep me doubting myself.  So I wouldn’t leave. And I know he desperately wanted me to stay.  During the handful of times I broke up with him, he would literally cry and sob and throw himself on the floor. Those of you that knew him probably find it hard to believe. Not many people knew that’s what he was really like. Unsure, desperate, and filled with self-hate.

It’s really sad,  sometimes I wish I had been smart enough and ended the relationship early on and encouraged him to get therapy. Because he did and probably (I’m assuming) still does need help. No one deserves to hate themselves that much.

It took me 4 and a half years to end it. And honestly, the fact that he moved two states away to be with family (with the promise  he would come back to me) was the only reason it ended so quickly. I was finally able to breath, to learn to trust my feelings. I found this book, which explained everything to me. I began to realize the truth, and I ended it.

It has taken years to heal. I still don’t feel 100% sometimes.  But it has taught me a lot. I’ve learned so much about people who feel the need to control.  I can spot this type of behaviour from a mile away.  But I also have compassion for it. I’ve moved beyond vilifying people like this. They operate from a place of  self-hate and avoidance of feelings.

My life is so different today, 8 years later. I am happy and content and have someone in my life that loves and respects me.  I have set boundaries and will speak up if they are crossed by anyone.  I promise you , it is possible to have the life you want, no matter where you are starting from.

Please say a prayer for those who lost loved ones 8 years ago. Say a prayer for those that risk their lives everyday trying to save ours. Thank your firepeople, policepeople, and soldiers.

And if you feel like you might be in a verbally abusive relationship (romantic or otherwise) please read “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. This book changed my life.

Or for online support please check out  http://drirene.com/

Please be aware, a lot of people involved in verbally abusive relationships are codependent. Read this list, and ask, does this apply to me? http://drirene.com/codepend1.htm

Love,

P. Magpie

Why Is It So Important to Be Perfect?

(I wrote this a few months ago for another blog I have that I don’t keep up with anymore. I like it though so I’m re-posting it here.)

Why is your happiness based on perfection? What is the point? What will it obtain for you?

Perfection doesn’t exist. We live in an imperfect world. Just because you think you know what perfection looks like does not mean it exists.

I am a perfectionist. I beat myself up sometimes about “not doing it perfect”. It’s this voice in my head. Not a “I need medication due to the voices” kind of voice. It’s the negative voice that I’ve been learning many people have.

The voice that tells me I failed, that I can’t do something, that I didn’t do it right, that I could be better, that it’s not good enough, that people will hate what I do, that I can never succeed.

The bitter voice of perfection.

I’ve learning a good technique to deal with the VOP. Ask it why.

“You failed”

“Why?”

“Because I said so. You didn’t do it perfect. It could have been done so much better.”

“Why is that so important?”

“Um..well..because it is important to do your best!”

“But I did it to the best of my ability, isn’t that my best? Why isn’t that good enough?”

“Um…I..uh..because it’s not perfect.”

“But it got done, and after all, why is it so important? What exactly will perfection obtain for me?”

“Love”

“I already have that!”

“Acceptance”

“That too.”

“um………”

“Yeah, thats what I thought.”

I have this conversation with myself every time the VOP comes up. It always seems to go nowhere, which highlights just how pointless chasing perfection is. Perfection will not bring you happiness because it will always be impossible, and because the whole point of perfection is being PERFECT. So you will always “fail”.

Hard work is good. Doing your best is good. Just keep it reasonable, ya know?

It’s hard for me to publish this post, because it’s not “perfect”. But I’m posting it anyways, to prove a point to myself and anyone reading this.

Are you ignoring what you have succeeded at by focusing on what you didn’t do perfectly? So what do you think perfection will obtain for you? Are you avoiding something because you can’t do it perfectly?


P.Magpie

Life Update: 8-20-09

Life has been pretty crazy at the Magpie/Aaron household lately. We are hosting the “afterparty” for the bachelor and bachelorette parties for friends of ours this weekend, then the wedding is next week. Aaron is the best man and has just had the realization he is going to be speaking in front of 196 people in one week. So needless to say I will be listening to a lot of practice runs this week!
I finally got my sd card emptied to my flickr account. There was 3 years of pictures on it. I feel cleansed. Check them out if you’d like!

http://www.flickr.com/princessmagpie

Now it’s off to the weekend. I probably will not be posting (not that I regularly post anyways – fail) due to the large amount of work required to make the house presentable.

Have a good weekend!

-P.Maggs