Bad at All the Things

Well here I am. Back. After a long break. Like always.

It’s times like these I can either say to myself “I AM BAD AT ALL THE THINGS!”, or just pick it back up.

So here goes!

Quote of the Day: Cheese

“That’s how I know Aaron is the perfect man.

He gives cheese the respect it deserves.”

-me

This is true love.

Quote Of The Day: RAGE TORNADO

“Its like every mildly annoying thing that could possible happen are all happening today and forming a great vortex of annoying which is turning into a RAGE TORNADO!”

-me, describing what a RAGE TORNADO is, obviously.

Quote of the Day: Married Life

“Who said anything about not liking creepy messages? I mean,  I don’t think I’m even friends with anyone that doesn’t enjoy a good creeping-out every once in a while.  Jeez I’m married to the world champion of giving creepy looks for pete’s sake!”

-me

Proof that love conquers all.

Things I am looking forward to.

Here is a list of things I am currently looking forward to:

1.My birthday.

My birthday is a little over a month away. Which means its time to start celebrating. It is a written rule that I get to celebrate the month leading up to AND the month after. Where is this written you ask? Well on a piece of paper I found on the floor. So there!

2. Warm(er) Weather

Today on the radio I heard “Do You Feel Like We Do” on the radio. It reminded me of summer and of being 16 and drunk and under the influence of the weed and sitting in a friends driveway. I feel like I need to host  a driveway party this summer. Although last summer we had a roof party, and we sat and drank up there while watching Allie run through the cornfield.  As anyone who has ever ran from the cops through a cornfield can tell you, that shit cuts you up. Allie didn’t believe me at the time, but uh, the cuts all over her body the next day kinda changed her stance  on that one.

I also need to work on my plan to convince AK we need a pool. I’m not asking for anything huge, just a $300 one from Walmart. All I need is that and a blender and I’m good for the summer.

3. Warmer Mornings

I’m hoping to get back in the running habit again. Its already hard enough to coax myself out of bed at 5:45 in the morning without adding snow to the mix.  My not quite awake/lazy self takes every opportunity to convince the responsible self that going outside is a bad idea. “No, look, its snowing! We can’t run in that! Are you crazy! Cars will hit us! Slide out of control! CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!”. Even if its not snowing my lazy self will be all like “It LOOKS cold outside. We shouldn’t go! CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!”.  Lazy self you are about to get a wakeup call. Well at least until you start up with the “but its so MUGGY! We can’t run in MUGGY! CHAOS! DEATH! DESTRUCTION!”.

4.  St. Patricks Day

I will not be going out for St. Patty’s. See ’cause I’m old and shit. I mean, if it was on a weekend I’d be all in. But a Thursday? No thanks.  I AM however looking forward to wearing green and green eyeshadow and green bouncy headband thingies. You know me I can’t pass up an opportunity to dress up.

5. April

I am excited for April because besides my birthday weekend, we have nothing really big planned. All the weekends are open. However I DO know that within the next 2-3 weeks the entire month will be full, I’m trying to savor the openness now. Living in the moment, maybe? How very zen.

6. Makeup School

I’m attending a makeup school in April to become a “certified” makeup artist.  For one week.  I’m hoping to learn a lot, but also it will look good to future clients that I went to school.  I’m both anxious and excited about it at the same time. I described the feeling to one friend like this: “…I’m going to start crying and falling over but laughing at the same time and maybe poop my pants.”

With love,

Princess  “Poop My Pants” Magpie

QUOTE OF THE DAY: OLD

“I’m really looking forward to being elderly. All I’m going to do is play video games and smoke pot”

-anonymous internet friend

I think we can all get on board with that!

The Truth on: How I feel about male strippers.

When I get scared, I tend to run.  When it comes to fight or flight,   I am a flight girl all the way.

For example, if I smell peanut butter I run away.

or if i see a spider.

or a scary commercial comes on.

(Sidenote: Screw you M. Night, and your stupid Devil movie!)

Now I have one thought on male strippers.

They are gross and scary.

Well, I have more than one though. But that’s the main one.

If I ever saw a stripper in real life, I’m pretty sure the flight response would come into play.  I would take one look at the gyrating hips and run right the hell out of the front door.

I’ve learned over the years that going to see male strippers is seen as a “female bonding” thing. I once worked with a woman who took her daughter to see male strippers on her 18th birthday and treated it like some sort of rite of passage. She was so excited to FINALLY share strippers with her daughter. Ech.

(Sidenote: This was a co-worker at Fashion Bug, no further explanation needed.)

I’m not sure how that bonds females. Although I don’t know that I’ve ever participated in any kind of female bonding type activity. Maybe I’m not the one to decide it’s not a bonding experience?

I’ve never done cocktail night with “my bitches”.  I’ve never painted the town red with “my laides”. I mean, I’ve gone out with friends and they all happened to be female and we ordered pizza and beer.  But its not like they pulled up in a white minivan in front of my apartment, blasting “Mambo Number 5!” an d started screaming “Ladies Night!!!” over and over.

(Sidenote again:  I witnessed this once. I’m scarred for life.)

Maybe someone can explain this stripper thing to me? Because I just don’t get  it.

Quote of the Day: Friendship Team

“I’ve made a lot of cuts to my friendship team in the past year”

-my friend Billy.

Sometimes you just have to cull the herd.

Quote of the Day: Balls

“I can’t wait to see how low my balls will go

😀

that’s why I wear boxers”

-Tattoo Mike, on how we all will get saggy with age.

Quote of the Day: Retarded

“Like Forrest Gump! He was a retard and he could jog. That means you can too.”

My (possibly misguided)  words of encouragement to Allie.